tolu.blog

Tag: Personal development

  • Why Marrying well is still the best life tip to give anyone

    I’m in my twenties, and the closer I edge to clocking thirty, the more I realize how much my life has changed since I got married. Now, I’m definitely sure that did not feel like this from the start, and I am very sure the experience in itself has not been ‘the same’ in the sense of the word, but In reflection, I think I would probably be worse off If I did not get married when I did.

    I’ll start with the obvious reasons first.

    First off, I got married at a time when it became cheaper to get married but still have your fun at the same time, so it was expensive, but cheap now that I think about how much costs have risen since 2022, and how much more weddings have recovered in terms of publicity, guest size and expenses since COVID.

    At the time I got married, people were still adjusting to the way of life post COVID, and post lockdown, that I had reasons to keep my guest list not too big. Now being a Nigerian and an African, That was not the case for my mother, or for my wife’s parents and their siblings (both our parents’ siblings, I mean), and Inasmuch as weddings in general are expensive, Catering for them in a Nigerian wedding Is Not for the faint hearted, and Is Not Cheap. However, with not so much guests as a regular ‘big’ wedding in my country (still over 350 guests, but nowhere near half of the guests at my sister’s wedding), I think I survived pretty well.

    Secondly, Not to brag, but the moment I ignored how I ‘thought anyone felt, and made the decision on my wife at the time, It was like I opened a fountain that a lot of my friends were waiting on, and validated the feelings they had. A lot of them began telling me about how they would have gotten married but wondered if it was too early, and some of them gave weird excuses, which was shocking, because I felt the same way, but damned the consequences regarding how anyone else should or would feel (except mine, my wife’s and the advice from my mentors and hers).

    Thirdly, I married a great woman. And, not to toot my own horn, but with me making efforts from my end to also be a good husband and now father, I would say I am grateful, especially looking at the kind of things we see everyday when it comes to marriages that have happened and ‘not happened’ in the last few years. Now that being said, I will say that we (myself and my wife) committed a lot to make our marriage where it currently is.

    In final addition, and probably one of the shocking parts I did not expect to put up, is how Fatherhood has been kind of a major change in my life, but is definitely one life changing moment I would recommend for anyone. The joy it brings (with a lot of progressive stress nonetheless, but a life changing one), and the responsibility it gives, especially if you are one to actually take your life serious, is just amazing.

    Now to the real reason why I put this up.

    I recently encountered research, which was done in 2017, by the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences of Carnegie Mellon University, about how Supportive relationships have been linked to the willingness of individuals to pursue opportunities. 163 married couples were brought in and studied. You can take a look at the research here.

    One thing I realized is that the influence of the person who you commit your life to, for some reason, has a major impact on the opportunities you pursue, for a lot of reasons. The first is your love for them and your craving of acceptance from them, which is reflected in how you feel about telling them whatever new journey you choose to embark on. The second is they’re love for you and they’re passion for your growth, which is reflected in how they respond to this, and how they support your life’s decisions, and advice you on what you should or should not do, and the third is the feelings of responsibility in the hearts of both of you. I strongly believe this is the most important factor that makes supportive spouses bring out the best in each other.

    Do not be deceived. Who you choose to end up with, is still your most valuable resource you will ever get.

    I’ll end with a really funny quote I’ve heard a lot, even if I do not know whose it is. I’ll preferably call It a proverb.

    ‘Love is Blind, But Marriage will open your eyes’.

    I hope this helps someone out there.

    Ciao.

  • The Problem with feelings

    I think feelings are more substantial hindrances than we choose to see them. A lot of people have heard quotes on how powerful quotes like ‘people will never forget how you made them feel’ are relevant in managing relationships, or sales, but very few people have thought about how to use this internally, and personally.

    Let me explain.

    Every time I have found myself embark on a new journey, or a journey in which I genuinely have found myself wanting to do something that I believe would change the course of how I see life or help inform someone’s view about life and what it entails, the feeling of not being good enough has always come up. This was the same reason that made me start a blog and a youtube channel, and then back off from it for four plus years. Every time I actually tried to go back, for some reason, it seemed like the feeling of things not working out and the outcome being me eventually believing I wasted those years of my life grew stronger than ever. The Irony now is, I think that feeling is stronger than it ever was even as I am currently writing this.

    I decided towards the end of last year to take a different view on how I see the decisions I make for my life and my family, and I decided to focus on doing the things I have pictured myself doing when I was younger. I realized that In reflection, I ended up feeling regret when I think of the fact that I did not even try to make this happen at all, and experience this in any way, and so to that effect, I made a decision to start my writing and be consistent with it, only this time, I decided to take a road less travelled- No sharing of my content with anyone, No marketing or publicity, just putting myself out there through the various channels I have always seen myself growing in and experiencing, one channel at a time, till I am consistent and efficient in my new way of life with this life’s dream as a part of my lifestyle.

    I must confess, with the fact that I have no intention to share this to anyone, and I have no intention of receiving any form of feedback on the things I write, my hand freely flows, and for the very first time, I think I have begun to understand the dilemma of the creative mind. When your production is hinged on the mindset of doing something based on the awareness of someone or a group of people waiting on reading or looking at what you are doing, as opposed to when you are doing it without the thought of any of that, your perspective, outlook, and results are different. It makes sense to think that our uniqueness is what gives us value and makes us loved, but our longing for conformity and universal acceptance takes that uniqueness away, and makes us feel less of ourselves, while diminishing our value, as the source of the initial value is also compromised in the process.

    I choose to be different. I choose to be consistent, and more importantly, I choose to make the everyday decision that will progressively help me to eventually kill that feeling.

    And I am starting to see that It’s the best choice I can every make for myself.

    As much as these feelings have grown, I realize that the longer I spend writing every piece, the weaker the feeling becomes. The longer I put my mind in my work, the weaker it feels, so even If the feeling was really disturbing, and definitely stronger than how it had been all these years at the beginning of this piece, I realize that I feel so much better internally than I did at the beginning. I realize that my mind has come to terms with my decision, and is now choosing to go in the direction I have geared it to with my hands.

    How does this match up with my opening statement?

    Well, I believe the feelings of every individual have an identity of their own, and I believe that feelings can be tamed, cultured, managed, and geared in the right direction. The best illustration for this would be what Steven Pressfield calls it, a ‘Resistance’(You can get more details on this in his book, The War of Art).

    I hope this helps someone out there. If there’s something that you have longed to start, start today. Do the easiest thing within that area. Just start. Figure out the rest along the way. Let your hands push your minds of the ledge, and you will see your mind use it’s wings to guide you to where you want to go. Do not let anything stop you. Just do it.

    Cheers.

  • Birthday Reflection

    Yesterday was my birthday. It was a nice day in general, however all I could think of was how much it seemed my life had changed over the last 3 years.

    Normally, I’m one to focus on year on year growth, but for some reason, it felt like a lot of things had happened that got me to my present state, and I could date them back to the decisions I had made over the last 3 years.

    In the end, I realized how all the accomplishments and shortfalls I had come to realise all through that period were more of a cumulative result of little things I did over time, and small decisions and choices I made over time, and I realised what makes the concept behind ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear so powerful.

    The impact of a minor decision, such as whether you choose to make acquaintance with someone, may seem irrelevant, however, 20 friends later, you may realise that the circle you are in will hinder any form of growth you should experience over the next 5 years of your life. Choosing to save a portion of your salary for emergencies, and choosing to learn through reading books may seem trivial, when you could easily spend that time just ‘chilling’ and doing nothing(for the record, doing nothing is required sometimes, but that’s a talk for another day), and this is true for the most part. What is shocking is that 5 years later, you would have thought that your income had always been little in your eyes, but 60 of that same ‘small’ income have come and gone through you in that 5 years, with nothing to show for it. Surprising right? Well guess what? 12 times 6 equals 60. Sixty!

    The impact of what your relationships with various people is based on feels like a decision with only one impact- you, until you realise how it can affect your kids should you choose to have kids, or other major decisions. It may not look like it, but these seemingly inconsequential thoughts, are consequential.

    Whatever goal you see yourself doing, don’t just assume that it will happen within an instant. Make small increments. Let your minor good choices compound, and let the magic of compound interest work for you. Start with the right relationships, Build the right habits. Don’t wait for anyone.

    If you’re reading this, you know what to do. I believe you will do it. This is just a reminder, that, in time, you will be glad you did.

    Start Today. Start Now.

    Peace.

  • Legacy Lessons #1- An Introduction

    \"\"



    Today makes it Precisely 1 year since I lost my number one reader, and 366 days since I posted last.

    In all sincerity, Grieving my Number one Fan never halted or stopped my creativity. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, I believe my perception has taken a positive direction since it started, and I have had an opportunity of learning even new things, but the thought of not waking up to hear a question or a discussion regarding something intriguing, not to mention the fact that I deemed it fit to honor my favorite reader, made me Do two things- Pause, and Breathe.

    However, In reflection of the event, the circumstances, and the personality involved, I realized I didn\’t just lose my number one fan at the time, but I had gained something- Good Antecedents, as well as Inspiring and Worthwhile memories of someone I held so dear to my heart, in the person of My Father.

    The Past Year made me think a lot about some of the things I have learnt from him during our time together, and In all honesty, I must say, That he was the best father I could\’ve ever had.

    Now, I feel the need to share some things I learned from him, and just so you know, this is a series. But they definitely won\’t follow in sequence.

    This is because the Fatherhood I enjoyed, and the Journey of experiences I learnt from His life and thought process can definitely not be covered in a sequence of days. Or weeks. However, as Reflections Bring them, I\’ll be here.

    This post is long enough, as far as I\’m concerned, but just so I do not leave your hearts watering, I\’ll be sharing one, so I give you an idea of what to expect.

    Without Further Ado, Here\’s Number One;

    Think For Yourself, And Own it. But Don\’t Be Rude about it.

    The sincere truth is that this advice seems pretty straight forward, but it isn\’t. As simple as it sounds, A lot of people aren\’t clear about their opinions for the fear of certain reasons. Sometimes it comes from a need to feel among, other times it could come from a need to be in line with a so-called trend.

    I once knew someone in school who really liked a girl and was scared of talking to her or reaching out because he felt that since some other \”people\” didn\’t talk to her, he shouldn\’t. If you\’re there too, irrespective of what your case may be, a job, a business, or whatever, Here\’s A sincere Advice- Don\’t die in silence. It\’s your Heart against Thiers. and Guess what, you make a mistake, Their heart won\’t remind you of it.

    Here\’s something I remembered my father say;

    \”Boy, Be yourself. Discipline yourself to do what you have to do. Never give an explanation for it unless it involves the people you love, and Never Owe anybody an Apology for Keeping your identity of who you are. In the end, They\’ll be willing to drop you off to keep Thiers. \”

    As long as you have an original thinking pattern you have come to think of, Never feel inferior. Now, this does not mean you should disrespect other people\’s opinion, but rather, you could remind yourself that your not criticizing or confronting a person\’s way of thinking directly does not translate to your accepting the mindset of that person. Rather, Like a Mentor and a Leader does to a Younger One or a follower, You choose to Own your Identity and let your Path be a directional Guide.

    Now, If you see something that makes you grow, The same wisdom that this comes from Makes you also Emotionally Intelligent Enough to Learn from it immediately, and Bring it into your reality.

    I\’d still talk more on this, but it\’ll be with a few more lessons.

    I love you Pop.

    To everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    Ciao.

    \”The Pain of Discipline is better than the Pain of Regret\” – Robin Sharma