tolu.blog

Category: Motivation

  • Why Marrying well is still the best life tip to give anyone

    I’m in my twenties, and the closer I edge to clocking thirty, the more I realize how much my life has changed since I got married. Now, I’m definitely sure that did not feel like this from the start, and I am very sure the experience in itself has not been ‘the same’ in the sense of the word, but In reflection, I think I would probably be worse off If I did not get married when I did.

    I’ll start with the obvious reasons first.

    First off, I got married at a time when it became cheaper to get married but still have your fun at the same time, so it was expensive, but cheap now that I think about how much costs have risen since 2022, and how much more weddings have recovered in terms of publicity, guest size and expenses since COVID.

    At the time I got married, people were still adjusting to the way of life post COVID, and post lockdown, that I had reasons to keep my guest list not too big. Now being a Nigerian and an African, That was not the case for my mother, or for my wife’s parents and their siblings (both our parents’ siblings, I mean), and Inasmuch as weddings in general are expensive, Catering for them in a Nigerian wedding Is Not for the faint hearted, and Is Not Cheap. However, with not so much guests as a regular ‘big’ wedding in my country (still over 350 guests, but nowhere near half of the guests at my sister’s wedding), I think I survived pretty well.

    Secondly, Not to brag, but the moment I ignored how I ‘thought anyone felt, and made the decision on my wife at the time, It was like I opened a fountain that a lot of my friends were waiting on, and validated the feelings they had. A lot of them began telling me about how they would have gotten married but wondered if it was too early, and some of them gave weird excuses, which was shocking, because I felt the same way, but damned the consequences regarding how anyone else should or would feel (except mine, my wife’s and the advice from my mentors and hers).

    Thirdly, I married a great woman. And, not to toot my own horn, but with me making efforts from my end to also be a good husband and now father, I would say I am grateful, especially looking at the kind of things we see everyday when it comes to marriages that have happened and ‘not happened’ in the last few years. Now that being said, I will say that we (myself and my wife) committed a lot to make our marriage where it currently is.

    In final addition, and probably one of the shocking parts I did not expect to put up, is how Fatherhood has been kind of a major change in my life, but is definitely one life changing moment I would recommend for anyone. The joy it brings (with a lot of progressive stress nonetheless, but a life changing one), and the responsibility it gives, especially if you are one to actually take your life serious, is just amazing.

    Now to the real reason why I put this up.

    I recently encountered research, which was done in 2017, by the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences of Carnegie Mellon University, about how Supportive relationships have been linked to the willingness of individuals to pursue opportunities. 163 married couples were brought in and studied. You can take a look at the research here.

    One thing I realized is that the influence of the person who you commit your life to, for some reason, has a major impact on the opportunities you pursue, for a lot of reasons. The first is your love for them and your craving of acceptance from them, which is reflected in how you feel about telling them whatever new journey you choose to embark on. The second is they’re love for you and they’re passion for your growth, which is reflected in how they respond to this, and how they support your life’s decisions, and advice you on what you should or should not do, and the third is the feelings of responsibility in the hearts of both of you. I strongly believe this is the most important factor that makes supportive spouses bring out the best in each other.

    Do not be deceived. Who you choose to end up with, is still your most valuable resource you will ever get.

    I’ll end with a really funny quote I’ve heard a lot, even if I do not know whose it is. I’ll preferably call It a proverb.

    ‘Love is Blind, But Marriage will open your eyes’.

    I hope this helps someone out there.

    Ciao.

  • The Problem with feelings

    I think feelings are more substantial hindrances than we choose to see them. A lot of people have heard quotes on how powerful quotes like ‘people will never forget how you made them feel’ are relevant in managing relationships, or sales, but very few people have thought about how to use this internally, and personally.

    Let me explain.

    Every time I have found myself embark on a new journey, or a journey in which I genuinely have found myself wanting to do something that I believe would change the course of how I see life or help inform someone’s view about life and what it entails, the feeling of not being good enough has always come up. This was the same reason that made me start a blog and a youtube channel, and then back off from it for four plus years. Every time I actually tried to go back, for some reason, it seemed like the feeling of things not working out and the outcome being me eventually believing I wasted those years of my life grew stronger than ever. The Irony now is, I think that feeling is stronger than it ever was even as I am currently writing this.

    I decided towards the end of last year to take a different view on how I see the decisions I make for my life and my family, and I decided to focus on doing the things I have pictured myself doing when I was younger. I realized that In reflection, I ended up feeling regret when I think of the fact that I did not even try to make this happen at all, and experience this in any way, and so to that effect, I made a decision to start my writing and be consistent with it, only this time, I decided to take a road less travelled- No sharing of my content with anyone, No marketing or publicity, just putting myself out there through the various channels I have always seen myself growing in and experiencing, one channel at a time, till I am consistent and efficient in my new way of life with this life’s dream as a part of my lifestyle.

    I must confess, with the fact that I have no intention to share this to anyone, and I have no intention of receiving any form of feedback on the things I write, my hand freely flows, and for the very first time, I think I have begun to understand the dilemma of the creative mind. When your production is hinged on the mindset of doing something based on the awareness of someone or a group of people waiting on reading or looking at what you are doing, as opposed to when you are doing it without the thought of any of that, your perspective, outlook, and results are different. It makes sense to think that our uniqueness is what gives us value and makes us loved, but our longing for conformity and universal acceptance takes that uniqueness away, and makes us feel less of ourselves, while diminishing our value, as the source of the initial value is also compromised in the process.

    I choose to be different. I choose to be consistent, and more importantly, I choose to make the everyday decision that will progressively help me to eventually kill that feeling.

    And I am starting to see that It’s the best choice I can every make for myself.

    As much as these feelings have grown, I realize that the longer I spend writing every piece, the weaker the feeling becomes. The longer I put my mind in my work, the weaker it feels, so even If the feeling was really disturbing, and definitely stronger than how it had been all these years at the beginning of this piece, I realize that I feel so much better internally than I did at the beginning. I realize that my mind has come to terms with my decision, and is now choosing to go in the direction I have geared it to with my hands.

    How does this match up with my opening statement?

    Well, I believe the feelings of every individual have an identity of their own, and I believe that feelings can be tamed, cultured, managed, and geared in the right direction. The best illustration for this would be what Steven Pressfield calls it, a ‘Resistance’(You can get more details on this in his book, The War of Art).

    I hope this helps someone out there. If there’s something that you have longed to start, start today. Do the easiest thing within that area. Just start. Figure out the rest along the way. Let your hands push your minds of the ledge, and you will see your mind use it’s wings to guide you to where you want to go. Do not let anything stop you. Just do it.

    Cheers.

  • The One thing about the next year that will Change Your Life

    Image source: Unsplash

    It’s a new year. In all reality, nothing has changed. Except the fact that I am currently writing this with a headache, which I have waited all day to subside, while dealing with the screams of my 6 month old son who has taken it upon himself to announce his happiness to me every morning. 

    Considering the fact that I Was awake all night on the 31st, and would still do the same today, to meet up with a job I practically am tired of, the headache is probably understandable. However, adding the fact that the job is underpaid, and not fulfilling as well, It just made me ask why I put myself through the rigour of doing this for a year. Trust me, I did not think too much for the ‘Valid’ Reasons;

    • Like my wife being on maternity leave and the money being genuinely ‘needed’, meaning that as a responsible father that I consider myself to be, I should do All possible (at least legally), to get whatever my wife and son need, if I actually love them as much as I claim to.
    • Or the fact that I felt that I needed to sort out certain major expenses I took in that I did not wan to take as debts. Mind you, I took them for my family as well…
    • Or could it be the demands of extended family and others, who I want to ake feel that I can help them out when they are in  need at certain times…

    All these reasons seem valid, except the fact that  I did all these forgetting one fact, which I only came to realize in reflection of my decisions that brought me to the mental exhaustion at the end of the year;

    The best way to help my world, is to first, be the best version of myself, not as a destination or a point to reach, but in my experience of life.

    This resolution I came to, made me decide to end this non fulfilling job and income immediately, while focusing on what I could control immediately to bring myself fulfillment.

    If you are currently finding yourself in a position like this as well, I would like you to know that It happens to the best of us, and there is a reason for it. When you find yourself in a situation that you have not been in before, that seems like an ‘emergency’, chances are your decisions will be based on what you know, and what is common around you, or what you have grown up to believe. Growing up, I saw my dad work more and be less available when needs came up, which I did not know gave me a mindset about work being something that had to take you away from family and pay you ‘anything’. This was subconscious, but I only figured that out recently, and this is a mindset that is common among the average individual who has a predominant african upbringing like myself.

    The decision to be the best version of myself and look at every decision or challenge informatively, changed my perspective on everything. That is why, I can be here in my room, doing something I genuinely love and am good at, even if I had many reasons to not do it, and yet put effort in starting, and produce value, while being around my family and feeling fulfilled personally.

    What is the main lesson here?

    Do not focus on Money. Focus on Value, and Fulfilment, while asking what and who really matters to you, as they are not always synonymous with money. See money as just a tool, not an end goal, and you will be surprised how happier you would be just from changing your view that way. If you are currently committing 80 hours a week to what you do not find fulfilment in at all, or what does not produce results to help influence the major areas of your life that you actually care about, a little commitment such as reducing it to 60 hours and putting that 20 in committing to what really makes you tick could change your reflection on how this year would feel, and actually make a big difference along the line. If it doesn’t, at least you would not feel the regret of not doing anything. Because you would be better off knowing you did what was within  your control, and the journey, would mentally make you feel better than any other thing would be.

    Cheers to a new year.  However, please remember that there is nothing different about the new year, till you choose to do something different.

    Ciao.

  • Birthday Reflection

    Yesterday was my birthday. It was a nice day in general, however all I could think of was how much it seemed my life had changed over the last 3 years.

    Normally, I’m one to focus on year on year growth, but for some reason, it felt like a lot of things had happened that got me to my present state, and I could date them back to the decisions I had made over the last 3 years.

    In the end, I realized how all the accomplishments and shortfalls I had come to realise all through that period were more of a cumulative result of little things I did over time, and small decisions and choices I made over time, and I realised what makes the concept behind ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear so powerful.

    The impact of a minor decision, such as whether you choose to make acquaintance with someone, may seem irrelevant, however, 20 friends later, you may realise that the circle you are in will hinder any form of growth you should experience over the next 5 years of your life. Choosing to save a portion of your salary for emergencies, and choosing to learn through reading books may seem trivial, when you could easily spend that time just ‘chilling’ and doing nothing(for the record, doing nothing is required sometimes, but that’s a talk for another day), and this is true for the most part. What is shocking is that 5 years later, you would have thought that your income had always been little in your eyes, but 60 of that same ‘small’ income have come and gone through you in that 5 years, with nothing to show for it. Surprising right? Well guess what? 12 times 6 equals 60. Sixty!

    The impact of what your relationships with various people is based on feels like a decision with only one impact- you, until you realise how it can affect your kids should you choose to have kids, or other major decisions. It may not look like it, but these seemingly inconsequential thoughts, are consequential.

    Whatever goal you see yourself doing, don’t just assume that it will happen within an instant. Make small increments. Let your minor good choices compound, and let the magic of compound interest work for you. Start with the right relationships, Build the right habits. Don’t wait for anyone.

    If you’re reading this, you know what to do. I believe you will do it. This is just a reminder, that, in time, you will be glad you did.

    Start Today. Start Now.

    Peace.

  • Ignorar títulos. Solo crece

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    Is Growth Hard?

    Depends on where you come from.

    Well, Is it easy?
    Definitely Not.


    The year 2021 is somewhat filled with less motivation than usual. For Mel Robbins , she probably opines that it\’s a good thing, since she believes motivation is garbage anyways(btw, her mindset is phenomenal! Check out her book the 5 second Rule)

    However, A lot of things are also responsible for the lackadaisical attitude towards aggressive growth. One of it was a tough ride if the previous year. Another is the fact that The Cliché, \”that\’s the way I am\” / \”that\’s just me\” is starting to be a mantra for more people than not.


    Should this be a problem? Given the fact that it\’s a healthy way to feel good about yourself? Not necessarily.
    However, if you\’re already looking for an excuse to choose not to grow, then it shouldn\’t be for you.
    For some people, Growth has been a major focus for them. The somewhat bumpy ride of 2020 didn\’t make that route easy for them, as it was already feeling good, plus there were no major obstacles before them.
    2020 made people down, but made a lot of others go higher, depending on where you look at it from, and what you choose to do about it.


    If 2020 made you feel bad even if you\’d been investing little bits in yourself before, Think about how worse it could have been if you weren\’t. Then be grateful for he growth you\’ve got, and Choose to invest more in yourself.

    If it was really good and insightful, then I think your growth has already begun. Just keep grinding.

    And if it was a total disaster… Well, it wasn\’t. You just weren\’t guarded and prepared enough, but don\’t let that happen again. Besides Your being alive is not something You easily remember to be grateful for, without which, you won\’t even be reading this in the first place.

    Not to get you nervous or put you in a hurry, but 4 weeks out of 52 should be done by Friday. Let\’s see how the remaining would be a little bit more intentional. Aiit?
    I think my point is made, but just in case you need a bottom line, Growth, like exercise is essential, but, like your Job, has a commitment line dependent on just one factor, YOU.

    Thanks for reading.

    You can share if it was worth your read.

    Talk to you soon.

    Ciao.

  • The Greatest Math You’ll ever learn.


    Early School was not so good. Now College has many enemies.


    Why has this been the case?
    Well some people have been looking for where they can apply dy/dx to life, while others are yet to find the importance of learning other languages that they seem not to care about, or identify what centrifugal or centripetal motion could do towards helping them make more money.


    Sounds funny, right?


    Well, there’s one particular arithmetic that’s actually useful. From my own perspective (which I am responsible for), I think it falls into the mathematical category. Unfortunately, it wasn’t taught in school. It’s an equation that has differentiated one set of people from another- The rich from the poor, the successful from the unsuccessful, and as many good/bad categories you can think of.

    Truth is, it’s a very old invention, Older than Compound Interest, which Albert Einstein calls the greatest invention of the
    world. I think that’s because that’s the one we were told about. This particular one has stood the test of time, and has been applied by every successful person you know, and though a lot of them may/may not be conscious of it, it’s the best mathematics you can ever learn.

    You’re getting interested, I presume…I mean, why wouldn’t you? Well, here it is…

    The greatest mathematics you can earn is how to calculate the future cost of your current decisions.


    Yep. That’s is this useful? Definitely. What if I think I don’t need this? Think Again.


    The major difference between people who are successful and those who are not is the fact that they knew this calculation, and MADE CAREFUL CHOICES having this equation in mind.
    What’s the current state of your life right now? Check, and you’ll realize they were a result of poor choices, or rather, NOT KNOWING THIS EQUATON
    What are the decisions you are making right now? What do you spend your day doing? LEARN THIS MATH AND FIND OUT where you’re headed.

    I’d love to leave it here, but just remember, if you think this isn’t important, Think again.

    Stay Strong.


    JT.

  • “We cannot afford you”

    So I left this blog, my first love for a while. I think I have a lot of excuses, but I\’m not interested in giving those out. Cause they don\’t add up eventually. I just resumed duty. Check this out.

    “We cannot afford you” by Joel Toluwalase Oriola https://link.medium.com/wk9AwvYUe7

  • Why habits really matter

    Every single person has a goal, a want, a need, something they want to achieve and reveal in they outside reality; at least that\’s what I choose to believe, cause everyone dreams.
    Now, I don\’t really have issues with the goals, but I feel, in my opinion that the make reason why people don\’t achieve these goals is that they focus on seeing the reward as soon as possible, and loose track of progress in the transformative process.
    Truth is, the results people seek, are, in fact, really just by-products of certain habits, and should they want to get such results and have them consistent in the lives, the way is to infuse these habits into the system, and by default, thier identity gradually transforms into the person they want to be.
    Every action taken by any person, is actually a proof of who such a person really is. What I mean by that is, the nature of your actions, sum up your personal values, and ultimately, your identity. Therefore, the key is to not strive for instant outward change, but an identity change; such that you can consistently reproduce the results you seek.

    Don\’t strive to read a book; Strive to become a reader.
    Don\’t strive to give people orders; Strive to become a leader.
    Don\’t strive to run a marathon; strive to be an athlete.
    Don\’t strive for results; build the habits that bring you into the identity of that reality.

    Peace.

  • Don’t get angry; Get better…

    So you get a job done. You think it\’s amazing, but unfortunately, is just you that thinks that way. Your boss says it sucks. you get critical comments, and now you\’re just getting fumed over everything. Here\’s my question…
    What are you going to do about it?
    They said the work\’s not good. So what?
    They said the jobs not done well. So what?
    They probably put you on probation or fired you. So what?

    Does getting angry or breaking stuff or staying unhappy solve anything? Of course not!

    Regardless of what happened, it doesn\’t mean that you\’re to remain in the category of that comment. Grow bigger than it. Rather than feeling bad, build yourself and work on yourself more, till you become a force in your field.

    Like I said earlier, Don\’t get angry; Get better

  • Grow quietly…

    Here\’s the thing about growth. The more you continue to grow in life and in your perspective, the more the deficiency of perspective in the life of mediocre people irritate you. This brings about a longing to just tell them the truth, and publicly challenge conventional ideas and orthodox ways, but if you are identified as a person of this habit, then you\’ll make people see you as an attention seeker, plus, not everyone will smile at you making them or thier ideas look inferior. Some may even consider revenge.
    The key is, condone these deficiencies when you see them, and stay patient enough for your results to preach your perspective to them. Only share these perspectives with maybe close friends that are probably on the same path as you are. At the point where your results begin to show, you automatically get thier attention, and ultimately, the right to debunk their wrong perspectives publicly.