tolu.blog

Category: Leadership

  • Why Marrying well is still the best life tip to give anyone

    I’m in my twenties, and the closer I edge to clocking thirty, the more I realize how much my life has changed since I got married. Now, I’m definitely sure that did not feel like this from the start, and I am very sure the experience in itself has not been ‘the same’ in the sense of the word, but In reflection, I think I would probably be worse off If I did not get married when I did.

    I’ll start with the obvious reasons first.

    First off, I got married at a time when it became cheaper to get married but still have your fun at the same time, so it was expensive, but cheap now that I think about how much costs have risen since 2022, and how much more weddings have recovered in terms of publicity, guest size and expenses since COVID.

    At the time I got married, people were still adjusting to the way of life post COVID, and post lockdown, that I had reasons to keep my guest list not too big. Now being a Nigerian and an African, That was not the case for my mother, or for my wife’s parents and their siblings (both our parents’ siblings, I mean), and Inasmuch as weddings in general are expensive, Catering for them in a Nigerian wedding Is Not for the faint hearted, and Is Not Cheap. However, with not so much guests as a regular ‘big’ wedding in my country (still over 350 guests, but nowhere near half of the guests at my sister’s wedding), I think I survived pretty well.

    Secondly, Not to brag, but the moment I ignored how I ‘thought anyone felt, and made the decision on my wife at the time, It was like I opened a fountain that a lot of my friends were waiting on, and validated the feelings they had. A lot of them began telling me about how they would have gotten married but wondered if it was too early, and some of them gave weird excuses, which was shocking, because I felt the same way, but damned the consequences regarding how anyone else should or would feel (except mine, my wife’s and the advice from my mentors and hers).

    Thirdly, I married a great woman. And, not to toot my own horn, but with me making efforts from my end to also be a good husband and now father, I would say I am grateful, especially looking at the kind of things we see everyday when it comes to marriages that have happened and ‘not happened’ in the last few years. Now that being said, I will say that we (myself and my wife) committed a lot to make our marriage where it currently is.

    In final addition, and probably one of the shocking parts I did not expect to put up, is how Fatherhood has been kind of a major change in my life, but is definitely one life changing moment I would recommend for anyone. The joy it brings (with a lot of progressive stress nonetheless, but a life changing one), and the responsibility it gives, especially if you are one to actually take your life serious, is just amazing.

    Now to the real reason why I put this up.

    I recently encountered research, which was done in 2017, by the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences of Carnegie Mellon University, about how Supportive relationships have been linked to the willingness of individuals to pursue opportunities. 163 married couples were brought in and studied. You can take a look at the research here.

    One thing I realized is that the influence of the person who you commit your life to, for some reason, has a major impact on the opportunities you pursue, for a lot of reasons. The first is your love for them and your craving of acceptance from them, which is reflected in how you feel about telling them whatever new journey you choose to embark on. The second is they’re love for you and they’re passion for your growth, which is reflected in how they respond to this, and how they support your life’s decisions, and advice you on what you should or should not do, and the third is the feelings of responsibility in the hearts of both of you. I strongly believe this is the most important factor that makes supportive spouses bring out the best in each other.

    Do not be deceived. Who you choose to end up with, is still your most valuable resource you will ever get.

    I’ll end with a really funny quote I’ve heard a lot, even if I do not know whose it is. I’ll preferably call It a proverb.

    ‘Love is Blind, But Marriage will open your eyes’.

    I hope this helps someone out there.

    Ciao.

  • The One thing about the next year that will Change Your Life

    Image source: Unsplash

    It’s a new year. In all reality, nothing has changed. Except the fact that I am currently writing this with a headache, which I have waited all day to subside, while dealing with the screams of my 6 month old son who has taken it upon himself to announce his happiness to me every morning. 

    Considering the fact that I Was awake all night on the 31st, and would still do the same today, to meet up with a job I practically am tired of, the headache is probably understandable. However, adding the fact that the job is underpaid, and not fulfilling as well, It just made me ask why I put myself through the rigour of doing this for a year. Trust me, I did not think too much for the ‘Valid’ Reasons;

    • Like my wife being on maternity leave and the money being genuinely ‘needed’, meaning that as a responsible father that I consider myself to be, I should do All possible (at least legally), to get whatever my wife and son need, if I actually love them as much as I claim to.
    • Or the fact that I felt that I needed to sort out certain major expenses I took in that I did not wan to take as debts. Mind you, I took them for my family as well…
    • Or could it be the demands of extended family and others, who I want to ake feel that I can help them out when they are in  need at certain times…

    All these reasons seem valid, except the fact that  I did all these forgetting one fact, which I only came to realize in reflection of my decisions that brought me to the mental exhaustion at the end of the year;

    The best way to help my world, is to first, be the best version of myself, not as a destination or a point to reach, but in my experience of life.

    This resolution I came to, made me decide to end this non fulfilling job and income immediately, while focusing on what I could control immediately to bring myself fulfillment.

    If you are currently finding yourself in a position like this as well, I would like you to know that It happens to the best of us, and there is a reason for it. When you find yourself in a situation that you have not been in before, that seems like an ‘emergency’, chances are your decisions will be based on what you know, and what is common around you, or what you have grown up to believe. Growing up, I saw my dad work more and be less available when needs came up, which I did not know gave me a mindset about work being something that had to take you away from family and pay you ‘anything’. This was subconscious, but I only figured that out recently, and this is a mindset that is common among the average individual who has a predominant african upbringing like myself.

    The decision to be the best version of myself and look at every decision or challenge informatively, changed my perspective on everything. That is why, I can be here in my room, doing something I genuinely love and am good at, even if I had many reasons to not do it, and yet put effort in starting, and produce value, while being around my family and feeling fulfilled personally.

    What is the main lesson here?

    Do not focus on Money. Focus on Value, and Fulfilment, while asking what and who really matters to you, as they are not always synonymous with money. See money as just a tool, not an end goal, and you will be surprised how happier you would be just from changing your view that way. If you are currently committing 80 hours a week to what you do not find fulfilment in at all, or what does not produce results to help influence the major areas of your life that you actually care about, a little commitment such as reducing it to 60 hours and putting that 20 in committing to what really makes you tick could change your reflection on how this year would feel, and actually make a big difference along the line. If it doesn’t, at least you would not feel the regret of not doing anything. Because you would be better off knowing you did what was within  your control, and the journey, would mentally make you feel better than any other thing would be.

    Cheers to a new year.  However, please remember that there is nothing different about the new year, till you choose to do something different.

    Ciao.

  • Legacy Lessons #1- An Introduction

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    Today makes it Precisely 1 year since I lost my number one reader, and 366 days since I posted last.

    In all sincerity, Grieving my Number one Fan never halted or stopped my creativity. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, I believe my perception has taken a positive direction since it started, and I have had an opportunity of learning even new things, but the thought of not waking up to hear a question or a discussion regarding something intriguing, not to mention the fact that I deemed it fit to honor my favorite reader, made me Do two things- Pause, and Breathe.

    However, In reflection of the event, the circumstances, and the personality involved, I realized I didn\’t just lose my number one fan at the time, but I had gained something- Good Antecedents, as well as Inspiring and Worthwhile memories of someone I held so dear to my heart, in the person of My Father.

    The Past Year made me think a lot about some of the things I have learnt from him during our time together, and In all honesty, I must say, That he was the best father I could\’ve ever had.

    Now, I feel the need to share some things I learned from him, and just so you know, this is a series. But they definitely won\’t follow in sequence.

    This is because the Fatherhood I enjoyed, and the Journey of experiences I learnt from His life and thought process can definitely not be covered in a sequence of days. Or weeks. However, as Reflections Bring them, I\’ll be here.

    This post is long enough, as far as I\’m concerned, but just so I do not leave your hearts watering, I\’ll be sharing one, so I give you an idea of what to expect.

    Without Further Ado, Here\’s Number One;

    Think For Yourself, And Own it. But Don\’t Be Rude about it.

    The sincere truth is that this advice seems pretty straight forward, but it isn\’t. As simple as it sounds, A lot of people aren\’t clear about their opinions for the fear of certain reasons. Sometimes it comes from a need to feel among, other times it could come from a need to be in line with a so-called trend.

    I once knew someone in school who really liked a girl and was scared of talking to her or reaching out because he felt that since some other \”people\” didn\’t talk to her, he shouldn\’t. If you\’re there too, irrespective of what your case may be, a job, a business, or whatever, Here\’s A sincere Advice- Don\’t die in silence. It\’s your Heart against Thiers. and Guess what, you make a mistake, Their heart won\’t remind you of it.

    Here\’s something I remembered my father say;

    \”Boy, Be yourself. Discipline yourself to do what you have to do. Never give an explanation for it unless it involves the people you love, and Never Owe anybody an Apology for Keeping your identity of who you are. In the end, They\’ll be willing to drop you off to keep Thiers. \”

    As long as you have an original thinking pattern you have come to think of, Never feel inferior. Now, this does not mean you should disrespect other people\’s opinion, but rather, you could remind yourself that your not criticizing or confronting a person\’s way of thinking directly does not translate to your accepting the mindset of that person. Rather, Like a Mentor and a Leader does to a Younger One or a follower, You choose to Own your Identity and let your Path be a directional Guide.

    Now, If you see something that makes you grow, The same wisdom that this comes from Makes you also Emotionally Intelligent Enough to Learn from it immediately, and Bring it into your reality.

    I\’d still talk more on this, but it\’ll be with a few more lessons.

    I love you Pop.

    To everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    Ciao.

    \”The Pain of Discipline is better than the Pain of Regret\” – Robin Sharma

  • Why habits really matter

    Every single person has a goal, a want, a need, something they want to achieve and reveal in they outside reality; at least that\’s what I choose to believe, cause everyone dreams.
    Now, I don\’t really have issues with the goals, but I feel, in my opinion that the make reason why people don\’t achieve these goals is that they focus on seeing the reward as soon as possible, and loose track of progress in the transformative process.
    Truth is, the results people seek, are, in fact, really just by-products of certain habits, and should they want to get such results and have them consistent in the lives, the way is to infuse these habits into the system, and by default, thier identity gradually transforms into the person they want to be.
    Every action taken by any person, is actually a proof of who such a person really is. What I mean by that is, the nature of your actions, sum up your personal values, and ultimately, your identity. Therefore, the key is to not strive for instant outward change, but an identity change; such that you can consistently reproduce the results you seek.

    Don\’t strive to read a book; Strive to become a reader.
    Don\’t strive to give people orders; Strive to become a leader.
    Don\’t strive to run a marathon; strive to be an athlete.
    Don\’t strive for results; build the habits that bring you into the identity of that reality.

    Peace.

  • The key to becoming a Superman

    What makes certain men more powerful and successful than others on Earth? What makes them different from other regular men? I believe I\’ve gotten the difference; and it\’s engrafted in a quote is like to share by Baltasar Gracian(culled from the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene):
    \”All men are idolaters, some of Fame, others of self interest, most of pleasure\”

    These traits are common among all men, or like a native proverb says in my country, \”something must kill a man\”
    The key to being successful is not by ignoring your weaknesses, but by embracing then and improving yourself. Build yourself to a point where you seem to lack weaknesses, and you ultimately become the Superman of your domain.

    \”The most powerful men in the room are the ones you have no idea of what they need or what they are capable of\”-Joel Toluwalase Oriola

  • Assumption kills

    How many times have we seen instances of turmoil and trouble simply because someone choose to assume or conclude about a certain scenario.

    The problem about assumption is this… It makes you lose value overtime, also it reduces the integrity of your words, and put you in a problem- positional power.

  • What exactly do you want?

    I think what I\’m about to share is universal in category

    Habit #2 in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is: begin with an end in mind.
    Law 29 of the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene(my second recommendation…trust me, this is awesome) says, \”Plan All The Way To The End\”. Here\’s one exerpt from the book that I\’d like to share… It\’s highlighted in the picture below…

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    Now, Having an exact goal in mind is not a guarantee that you’ll reach it, but I\’m 100% certain that not having an end in mind will take you to the land of \”neverary\”, like the the genie(Will Smith) in Aladdin would say, if he had the chance!
    When your efforts are not directed at a specific aim or purpose, how will you know what specifically is needed on your path of growth, development and ultimately, success? How will you know what
    (Or who) to say no to and what(or who) to say yes to? How will you know when you’ve reached your goal, or if you’ve gotten off the track, if you’ve never defined what those things are?
    The truth is , you can\’t, and that in itself, is a sure way to fail in life. I believe you do not want that.

    If you do not, the question is, what exactly do you want?

  • Don’t Judge yourself. We all have shortcomings

    Here\’s the truth about life, everyone is \”not too good\” at something. But even if that\’s not the case, and it\’s not yours, fine. Don\’t beat yourself up about what you aren\’t good at. The thing is, feeling bad about it doesn\’t make things better. The thing is, are you willing to put the work to become an authority in whatever you want to learn?
    If you keep on focusing on the parts that aren\’t good enough in your life, you\’ll end up living with a very low self esteem, which by the way, will never make you amount to much in life.
    Should you want to know what your strengths are but you\’re having a hard time doing that, my prescription is Strength finder 2.0 by Donald Clifton. Check it out. I\’m sure you\’ll be glad you did, cause it\’s pretty much the most detailed and accurate on I know of. Peace✌️

  • Life doesn’t give you what you wish for…

    Ever thought about the first man to invent paper? About what life gave him? Trees… With probably some extra sides or heart break or family issues or financial problems.I believe that\’s pretty much it. If we take a look at the things we use regularly our are probably addicted to (in a way) now, those seeming amazing things once never existed. Yet by someone\’s sheer force of will and hunger for something better we now have something better. But if we choose to live here and not think of innovation, I believe, it means we have put the worked at is end that way.