tolu.blog

Month: January 2025

  • Why Marrying well is still the best life tip to give anyone

    I’m in my twenties, and the closer I edge to clocking thirty, the more I realize how much my life has changed since I got married. Now, I’m definitely sure that did not feel like this from the start, and I am very sure the experience in itself has not been ‘the same’ in the sense of the word, but In reflection, I think I would probably be worse off If I did not get married when I did.

    I’ll start with the obvious reasons first.

    First off, I got married at a time when it became cheaper to get married but still have your fun at the same time, so it was expensive, but cheap now that I think about how much costs have risen since 2022, and how much more weddings have recovered in terms of publicity, guest size and expenses since COVID.

    At the time I got married, people were still adjusting to the way of life post COVID, and post lockdown, that I had reasons to keep my guest list not too big. Now being a Nigerian and an African, That was not the case for my mother, or for my wife’s parents and their siblings (both our parents’ siblings, I mean), and Inasmuch as weddings in general are expensive, Catering for them in a Nigerian wedding Is Not for the faint hearted, and Is Not Cheap. However, with not so much guests as a regular ‘big’ wedding in my country (still over 350 guests, but nowhere near half of the guests at my sister’s wedding), I think I survived pretty well.

    Secondly, Not to brag, but the moment I ignored how I ‘thought anyone felt, and made the decision on my wife at the time, It was like I opened a fountain that a lot of my friends were waiting on, and validated the feelings they had. A lot of them began telling me about how they would have gotten married but wondered if it was too early, and some of them gave weird excuses, which was shocking, because I felt the same way, but damned the consequences regarding how anyone else should or would feel (except mine, my wife’s and the advice from my mentors and hers).

    Thirdly, I married a great woman. And, not to toot my own horn, but with me making efforts from my end to also be a good husband and now father, I would say I am grateful, especially looking at the kind of things we see everyday when it comes to marriages that have happened and ‘not happened’ in the last few years. Now that being said, I will say that we (myself and my wife) committed a lot to make our marriage where it currently is.

    In final addition, and probably one of the shocking parts I did not expect to put up, is how Fatherhood has been kind of a major change in my life, but is definitely one life changing moment I would recommend for anyone. The joy it brings (with a lot of progressive stress nonetheless, but a life changing one), and the responsibility it gives, especially if you are one to actually take your life serious, is just amazing.

    Now to the real reason why I put this up.

    I recently encountered research, which was done in 2017, by the Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences of Carnegie Mellon University, about how Supportive relationships have been linked to the willingness of individuals to pursue opportunities. 163 married couples were brought in and studied. You can take a look at the research here.

    One thing I realized is that the influence of the person who you commit your life to, for some reason, has a major impact on the opportunities you pursue, for a lot of reasons. The first is your love for them and your craving of acceptance from them, which is reflected in how you feel about telling them whatever new journey you choose to embark on. The second is they’re love for you and they’re passion for your growth, which is reflected in how they respond to this, and how they support your life’s decisions, and advice you on what you should or should not do, and the third is the feelings of responsibility in the hearts of both of you. I strongly believe this is the most important factor that makes supportive spouses bring out the best in each other.

    Do not be deceived. Who you choose to end up with, is still your most valuable resource you will ever get.

    I’ll end with a really funny quote I’ve heard a lot, even if I do not know whose it is. I’ll preferably call It a proverb.

    ‘Love is Blind, But Marriage will open your eyes’.

    I hope this helps someone out there.

    Ciao.

  • The Problem with feelings

    I think feelings are more substantial hindrances than we choose to see them. A lot of people have heard quotes on how powerful quotes like ‘people will never forget how you made them feel’ are relevant in managing relationships, or sales, but very few people have thought about how to use this internally, and personally.

    Let me explain.

    Every time I have found myself embark on a new journey, or a journey in which I genuinely have found myself wanting to do something that I believe would change the course of how I see life or help inform someone’s view about life and what it entails, the feeling of not being good enough has always come up. This was the same reason that made me start a blog and a youtube channel, and then back off from it for four plus years. Every time I actually tried to go back, for some reason, it seemed like the feeling of things not working out and the outcome being me eventually believing I wasted those years of my life grew stronger than ever. The Irony now is, I think that feeling is stronger than it ever was even as I am currently writing this.

    I decided towards the end of last year to take a different view on how I see the decisions I make for my life and my family, and I decided to focus on doing the things I have pictured myself doing when I was younger. I realized that In reflection, I ended up feeling regret when I think of the fact that I did not even try to make this happen at all, and experience this in any way, and so to that effect, I made a decision to start my writing and be consistent with it, only this time, I decided to take a road less travelled- No sharing of my content with anyone, No marketing or publicity, just putting myself out there through the various channels I have always seen myself growing in and experiencing, one channel at a time, till I am consistent and efficient in my new way of life with this life’s dream as a part of my lifestyle.

    I must confess, with the fact that I have no intention to share this to anyone, and I have no intention of receiving any form of feedback on the things I write, my hand freely flows, and for the very first time, I think I have begun to understand the dilemma of the creative mind. When your production is hinged on the mindset of doing something based on the awareness of someone or a group of people waiting on reading or looking at what you are doing, as opposed to when you are doing it without the thought of any of that, your perspective, outlook, and results are different. It makes sense to think that our uniqueness is what gives us value and makes us loved, but our longing for conformity and universal acceptance takes that uniqueness away, and makes us feel less of ourselves, while diminishing our value, as the source of the initial value is also compromised in the process.

    I choose to be different. I choose to be consistent, and more importantly, I choose to make the everyday decision that will progressively help me to eventually kill that feeling.

    And I am starting to see that It’s the best choice I can every make for myself.

    As much as these feelings have grown, I realize that the longer I spend writing every piece, the weaker the feeling becomes. The longer I put my mind in my work, the weaker it feels, so even If the feeling was really disturbing, and definitely stronger than how it had been all these years at the beginning of this piece, I realize that I feel so much better internally than I did at the beginning. I realize that my mind has come to terms with my decision, and is now choosing to go in the direction I have geared it to with my hands.

    How does this match up with my opening statement?

    Well, I believe the feelings of every individual have an identity of their own, and I believe that feelings can be tamed, cultured, managed, and geared in the right direction. The best illustration for this would be what Steven Pressfield calls it, a ‘Resistance’(You can get more details on this in his book, The War of Art).

    I hope this helps someone out there. If there’s something that you have longed to start, start today. Do the easiest thing within that area. Just start. Figure out the rest along the way. Let your hands push your minds of the ledge, and you will see your mind use it’s wings to guide you to where you want to go. Do not let anything stop you. Just do it.

    Cheers.

  • The One thing about the next year that will Change Your Life

    Image source: Unsplash

    It’s a new year. In all reality, nothing has changed. Except the fact that I am currently writing this with a headache, which I have waited all day to subside, while dealing with the screams of my 6 month old son who has taken it upon himself to announce his happiness to me every morning. 

    Considering the fact that I Was awake all night on the 31st, and would still do the same today, to meet up with a job I practically am tired of, the headache is probably understandable. However, adding the fact that the job is underpaid, and not fulfilling as well, It just made me ask why I put myself through the rigour of doing this for a year. Trust me, I did not think too much for the ‘Valid’ Reasons;

    • Like my wife being on maternity leave and the money being genuinely ‘needed’, meaning that as a responsible father that I consider myself to be, I should do All possible (at least legally), to get whatever my wife and son need, if I actually love them as much as I claim to.
    • Or the fact that I felt that I needed to sort out certain major expenses I took in that I did not wan to take as debts. Mind you, I took them for my family as well…
    • Or could it be the demands of extended family and others, who I want to ake feel that I can help them out when they are in  need at certain times…

    All these reasons seem valid, except the fact that  I did all these forgetting one fact, which I only came to realize in reflection of my decisions that brought me to the mental exhaustion at the end of the year;

    The best way to help my world, is to first, be the best version of myself, not as a destination or a point to reach, but in my experience of life.

    This resolution I came to, made me decide to end this non fulfilling job and income immediately, while focusing on what I could control immediately to bring myself fulfillment.

    If you are currently finding yourself in a position like this as well, I would like you to know that It happens to the best of us, and there is a reason for it. When you find yourself in a situation that you have not been in before, that seems like an ‘emergency’, chances are your decisions will be based on what you know, and what is common around you, or what you have grown up to believe. Growing up, I saw my dad work more and be less available when needs came up, which I did not know gave me a mindset about work being something that had to take you away from family and pay you ‘anything’. This was subconscious, but I only figured that out recently, and this is a mindset that is common among the average individual who has a predominant african upbringing like myself.

    The decision to be the best version of myself and look at every decision or challenge informatively, changed my perspective on everything. That is why, I can be here in my room, doing something I genuinely love and am good at, even if I had many reasons to not do it, and yet put effort in starting, and produce value, while being around my family and feeling fulfilled personally.

    What is the main lesson here?

    Do not focus on Money. Focus on Value, and Fulfilment, while asking what and who really matters to you, as they are not always synonymous with money. See money as just a tool, not an end goal, and you will be surprised how happier you would be just from changing your view that way. If you are currently committing 80 hours a week to what you do not find fulfilment in at all, or what does not produce results to help influence the major areas of your life that you actually care about, a little commitment such as reducing it to 60 hours and putting that 20 in committing to what really makes you tick could change your reflection on how this year would feel, and actually make a big difference along the line. If it doesn’t, at least you would not feel the regret of not doing anything. Because you would be better off knowing you did what was within  your control, and the journey, would mentally make you feel better than any other thing would be.

    Cheers to a new year.  However, please remember that there is nothing different about the new year, till you choose to do something different.

    Ciao.